The Two Types of Disappointment: Why One Destroys You and the Other Makes You Stronger

You didn't get the job. Again. Your mind immediately spirals: "I should have answered that question better. I knew what to say—why didn't I just say it? I'm such an idiot. I blew it." The disappointment sits heavy in your chest, but it's not just about losing the opportunity. It's the brutal self-lecture playing on repeat that's really crushing you.

Here's what most people don't realize: there are two completely different types of disappointment, and confusing them is keeping you stuck in a painful cycle that prevents growth and guarantees you'll repeat the same mistakes.

This raw, off-the-cuff episode digs into the difference between "clean disappointment"—the natural bummer of an unfavorable outcome—and the unnecessary suffering we layer on top when we beat ourselves up with shoulds. When you tell yourself "I should have known better, I should have done this differently, I should have been perfect," you're essentially slapping your own hand every time you reach for growth. And just like you'd become afraid to climb if you got punished for every misstep, you become paralyzed by fear of your own internal criticism.

The revelation? Your brain thinks beating yourself up will make you perform better next time, but it actually does the opposite. It creates fear of trying again, fear of getting it wrong, fear of how you'll talk to yourself if you fail. What actually works is getting curious—non-judgmentally asking "Why didn't I do that thing I now see would have helped?" to uncover the real fear underneath (like "What if I succeed and then fail?" or "What if I make this mistake again?").

The breakthrough comes when you realize disappointments are like compost, not garbage. Throw them in the trash and nothing grows. Put them in the compost pile and they transform into rich soil that feeds your next level of growth. But you can't compost without first getting curious about what went wrong and why—and doing it with compassion instead of self-punishment.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

• The critical difference between clean disappointment and layered suffering (and why most people add unnecessary pain)
• Why "just get over it" doesn't work and what your brain actually needs to move forward
• How fear disguises itself as self-criticism and keeps you from taking action on opportunities
• The compost vs. garbage metaphor for processing disappointment in a way that creates growth
• Specific tools like EFT tapping for processing emotions without adding self-judgment

Ready to discover if you're unknowingly sabotaging yourself with how you process setbacks? Take the Value Vision Quiz to see where fear might be masquerading as "being realistic" -  link here. 

Listen to the Full Episode:  

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